The Kubler-Ross Model, otherwise known as the five stages of grief, is something every human being is constantly going through. When first looking at the model one is prone to believe that it is only true in cases of deep trial and tribulation, i.e. the loss of a loved one, divorce, or substance abuse. However, when we look deeper into what our lives and actions consist of, it is clear that we are always in the middle of these stages. When everything circumstantial in this world is taken away it can be concluded that the one thing every human being truly has in this life is their mind.
While some may suppress it more than others, it is the very nature of the human conscience to give us emotions and thoughts that lead us nowhere but deeper into ourselves. The first stage is denial. Deeply, our minds recognize a tragedy, and in most cases we push it away. In the death of a loved one we receive the news, we grieve for a little bit, we hold a service, dress up the dead in clothes to make them look as if they were almost alive, tuck them in a nice box, bury them in the ground, and move on with our lives. However, this is almost never the full story. Our minds will, in its very unique way, chip away at these walls we’ve put up until we are forced to recognize the loss in full. Here we have begun the process of revealing our true self to ourselves. In other words, we start to take in all the little things that we’ve hid from everyone and that we’ve hid from our day to day thought. Just the start.
The second stage is anger. We see this “breaking down” of our defenses quickly approaching and we divert it to anger. We get upset at the world as if just because such a tragedy happened to you it is so much more terrible than if it were to happen to the next person. We blame any supreme beings, maybe we blame a person or group, but in most cases there is nothing reasonable to blame. We understand that grief happens and that it is unavoidable, yet we become enraged when it occurs. It seems that one very logical reason for this is that we don’t want to deal with our thoughts and our mind, and if we can push that encounter [with ourselves] off by being angry, then we will because in the moment it seems like that encounter will never happen.
So why is it that we are so haunted by the idea of facing our own mind? The answer isn’t one that a second year undergraduate philosophy major can easily answer. It’s a broad, theoretical, metacognition. But I can give a partial answer, and that is either; it is just the way we as humans are programmed, or it is how a supreme being has created us in order to cause some greater good later on that we do not currently know of. Of course there is always the Brain in a Vat Theory (ha ha ha). Regardless of the physical (or supreme) reason for this occurrence, I believe that in life it is important to ask the right questions, and the right question here is not “why/what created us this way” but rather “what do we do with this, and how can we use it?”
The third stage is bargaining, aka a last ditch effort to avoid the thing we truly have. After some time, whether it be brief or lengthy, we realize that this anger is either; doing nothing to help the situation, or doing more bad than good. Some people realize this immediately and quickly move from stage 2 to 3, while for some it may take a lifetime. At this bargaining stage we treat the world and God is if it/he is a hostage negotiator. We do what humans do all too well which is pretend like we are in charge, except this time we’re so desperate we’ll offer something up in return. “The third stage is bargaining, aka a last ditch effort to avoid the thing we truly have.” So why is bargaining at this point a last ditch effort? And what are we avoiding by bargaining? To answer the former, it is because subconsciously we know what comes next, and it seems like begging for a revelation is the best option. To answer the latter, stage 4.
Stage four is depression. It is at this stage where my original hypothesis begins to become evident. When we move past the bargaining stage we’ve run out of options. We can no longer tune out the blaring stereo which is our mind. It is as if you can’t stand to listen to yourself anymore, but at the same time that’s all you want in that moment. In this state of depression we tend to become nihilistic and divulge into our mind in what is at first a bad way. We use our mind as an excuse to become anti-social and self-harming. We break into our psyche in a way we never existed. Thoughts flood into our mind. Not necessarily bad thoughts, but thoughts and ideas questioning existence, asking the wrong questions, and driving us insane. Sometimes silence is violent.
These thoughts flood our brain to the point where we can’t turn them off and we feel like screaming but we don’t scream because it just isn’t worth the energy. The stereo keeps blaring in the same room as you, and even though you’re free to leave at any time you can’t help but stay and listen to the sound that you can’t stand. We try and leave this room by getting a hobby or going to a psychiatrist and taking medication, but as Shane Koyczan said, “Sometimes being drug free has less to do with addiction and more to do with sanity.”
What started as a tragedy has turned into something much deeper. With every trial and every tribulation in this life we go just a little deeper into who we are; because after all, there are indeed a lot of secrets we are keeping from ourselves. While the stereo never completely shuts off, in most cases the volume will fade. Maybe just until next time or the time after that, but no matter how brief, we each have our moments of serenity. It is at this point where we come to terms with that original matter.
“Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
Our reason coexists with our insanity
But we choose between reality and madness
It’s either sadness or euphoria” -Billy Joel (Summer, Highland Falls)
The fifth and final stage is acceptance. We embrace morality and its circumstances, but more importantly, we embrace the sound. What was for so long a burden has become something else, something different. We’ve come to realize that the one thing we will always truly have in this world to turn to are our own minds. Things will come and go, but as long as we are here, WE will be here. I think that once we get to step 5, everything will be a heck of a lot clearer. Maybe not easier, but clearer.
Thomas Francis Fusillo
Tom Fusillo, DO, MS, MHA 